Sunday, 22 December 2019

Well, this is awkward

Ok so wow, I haven’t posted on here since... January. Yep, nearly a year. Yikes. I’m not gonna apologise for my absence and pretend my ‘readers’ have all been waiting with baited breath for this blog post to finally come along (the comeback is always bigger than the set back yo), but bloody hell it really has been a long time and I’m not even sure where to start. Having a quick glance back at my previous post I’ve achieved basically none of my goals... apart from still being single. SUCCESS.

So much has changed that I’m kinda unsure what to focus on, but also I feel like I’m craving this therapeutic release by writing my inner monologue down so here we are. I think I’ll start with dating life cuz that’s all anyone talks about anyway right? 

Being completely candid, since moving to London I have dated a lot. Breakups always hit me hard because I tend to put my all in people, and when things end I have this horrible habit of instantly looking for my next victim to make me believe in love and romance again. My first few dates back in December of last year were horrendous, like SO bad. I’d get stupidly drunk, make an absolute tit out of myself and generally end up scaring people off with my sheer intensity/insanity. To be honest I wasn’t massively bothered because it was all still fresh and confusing and I didn’t really know what to do on a first date cuz I was still in relationship mindset and it was destined for failure.

Once this phase was over I got more confident in myself and started to date like a normal single person again. I met a few cool people but nothing stuck and I started to get a bit addicted to the whimsicality of it all. Having been in long term relationships since the age of 15, suddenly I had no ties and was being taken out on multiple nights in the week by cool attractive guys who would take me to incredible cocktail bars or casinos. It was fun but that’s all it was, and the novelty wears off eventually.

I've also been on my share of bizarre dates which are too funny and disturbing not to document. I don't know how I feel about basically airing my dirty laundry on a public forum like this, I mean it's completely unnecessary but also some of these stories are kinda hilarious. Anytime I relay one of my disastrous dates to my friends and mention the possibility of writing about it they're like yep solid blog content. So here we go. I think the best way to describe them is in succinct bullet point format: 


- Nipple cripple Nick  – I was on a first date with this one guy and I told him it felt more like a friendly vibe cuz we weren’t really flirting that much and I always think it's best to be up front and honest. In response he nipple crippled me in the pub then went for a wee and just never came back. I texted him like you've left haven't you? He said he had to go to work... at 10 at night lol.

- Tracksuit lover – I was dating a guy and had seen him maybe 3 times (he told me he loved me on our first date and it only got more intense from then) when I got a delivery from him which was a tracksuit addressed to me... but with his last name as my last name, like as if we were married. To be fair it was a decent tracksuit and I carried on seeing him until it turned out he was racist. What can I say, tracksuit lover was just full of surprises. 

- Maybe he's born with it... - Yeah so this was a nightmare of an evening. I didn't even wanna go on this date cuz I'd been out the night before and felt super rough. BUT I hate being rude so I went anyway and just warned him that I was kinda tired and only wanted one or two drinks. I'd matched him on Bumble and all his pics were far away but I didn't think anything of it... til he walks towards me with a face full of foundation. I know that sounds horrible but like he looked absolutely nothing like his pictures and it was so unexpected it just majorly threw me off. Things only got worse. We spent half an hour talking about his past cocaine addiction and then when I said I ought to get off after a couple of drinks he said 'oh do you not fancy me'. Yikes. I didn't know what to say so I was like ah well I guess I can stay for one more. Then he kept talking about my boobs and I defo wanted to leave cuz I didn't fancy him one bit, but he just was not picking up on the fact I didn't wanna be there. In this moment I did something I've never done before and hope to never do again: I looked him in the eye with a face full of fear and said 'OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF' then left the pub and ran all the way back to the tube. Hopefully such departure would be enough to put someone off for good... right? Wrong. He text me the next day saying 'shame we didn't hook up last night'. There really are no words. 

- The name's Mark... Primark - So I had a really cool date with this model who seemed super nice and things went surprisingly well.. had I finally found a normal? Of course not, don't be bloody stupid. He asked me if I wanted to see him again before he left to go back to his and I was like yeah sounds good. Obviously he then dropped off the face of the world entirely. Sure, fine, this kinda thing I am very well accustomed to because frankly, people are lying pricks. What I'm NOT accustomed to however is walking past a fucking life size ad of him when I pass Primark to get to work every damn day. Would it be completely inappropriate of me to sharpie out some teeth and draw on a questionable moustache next time I pass him? Asking for... well, me. 

- The worst person in the whole entire world? - This was actually one of the first people I dated after I was single and I had even less game than I do now and implicitly trusted everything anyone said to me. MORON. So I'd stayed over at this guy's house and he was being super sweet and even said he wanted to go and see a west end show with me which I thought was lovely as heck and obviously lapped up like a thirsty kitten with a bowl of milk. He walked me back to the tube and hugged and kissed me goodbye... ahh, so cute. I wasn't even living in London at this point so I got on my train home a King's Cross, went on whatsapp to message my best friend about this 'successful' date... only to realise that within those 10 minutes he had BLOCKED ME. Yep, he literally kissed me goodbye and then blocked me off everything for no reason at all. It was this moment that I realised the dating game had really changed and I better fucking buckle up for a bumpy ride.

Soooo there ya go. A little insight into some of the weird and not-so-wonderful stories from my dating life this year. Here's to 2020 bringing many more funny anecdotes but hopefully less first date nipple cripples. I've got my fingers crossed. Have you got any equally scarring date stories to share? Comment or message me them on insta plz! 

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Wednesday, 9 January 2019

Grabbing 2019 by the balls

Happy New Year one and all! Yes I'm 8 days late but y'know, better late than never. I'm writing this post because I really believe that vocalising goals takes you one step closer to actually achieving them - whether it's the increased accountability, 'law of attraction' or something else entirely, I just think it's a good idea. Also, a lot has changed in my life recently so I'm looking forward kind of word-vomiting all that on here too, I mean it's basically free therapy. 

DREAM JOB - I left my job at the end of last year and I'm so determined to make 2019 the year I really ramp things up in my career. I want to find a job that I love and work somewhere that loves me back. I want to be challenged, I want to grow, I want to feel excited about what I'm doing every day and most importantly I want to LEARN. I'm 24 and I can't afford to stagnate. I want to take chances and meet new people that I can create something cool with. I want my next career move to be a reflection of me as a person, not just somewhere to turn up and earn money. I'm super excited about falling in love with a new role and I know 2019 is going to bring me the goods in terms of my career.

SINGLE LIFE - Not only did I leave my job at the end of last year but I also became a single woman! After an initial period of fear, nausea and dread at being oh-so-alone (I have always been a relationship person since my first boyfriend at the age of 15) I've come through the other side and realised that I could probably do with this time to myself. Because of the type of person that I am, I always give such a huge part of my life to my partner, and when all of that goes away you start to see that maybe you were neglecting your own needs. 

I've always bounced back really quickly and met someone new due to being so uncomfortably alone, but at the ripe old age of 24 I now understand how stupidly unhealthy that behaviour really is. I need time to heal. The cool thing is I actually don't feel one bit lonely right now. I have the most sensational friends that are so good to me, and even in my own company I don't feel the need to fill the space with another person. To me that is such a significant thing because I've not felt that way since my early teens. Just content. Whether I'm reading, watching Peep Show, working out at the gym or browsing clothes, I just feel super chilled on my own and it's making me really really happy. I also have the opportunity to be selfish when it comes to other areas of my life like work and travel, which is great timing now that I'm looking for a shiny new career. I aim to stay single for as long as possible and I believe that the right person will come along at the right time when I know that I don't need anyone but myself to be 100% happy.

SELF-CARE CENTRAL - Self-care is big right now and I am so here for it. 2019 is the year that I consciously nurture myself, better myself and make choices that are good for my physical and mental health. Like a lot of people I would occasionally combat a bad day/week by going out, having tonnes of fun, drinking tonnes of wine, and then wake up feeling... sadder? Embarrassed at my behaviour? Unable to remember chunks of the evening? I don't want to do that anymore. I want to tackle issues within my life head on with positive actions like going to the gym, reading a book, running a bath, learning a language, watching a comedy etc. I'm determined to take the time to think sensibly about what makes me happy and work on doing as much of it as possible. I'm challenging myself to read at least a book a month (I know it isn't a lot but I always start books and then forget about them), eat more fruit and veg (I have such a beige diet), build on the little French that I learnt in school, travel to two new countries this year, and to continue to have fun with this blog - organising photoshoots and wearing outfits that make me feel incred. They're only little changes but I feel like they'll make me a better version of myself and I really want to be at my peak through all of 2019. 

So there we go! 2019 is gonna be a gooood year, I'm determined. Are you making any changes at all? Let me know how you feel about the new year in the comments!

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Wednesday, 12 December 2018

So sue me I don't love Christmas

Christmas is a bit of a weird one in my humble opinion. Everyone loves Christmas, and if you don't? Then there's something inherently wrong with you. Apart from actually that's total bollocks of course. I'll put my neck on the line here and be the first one to admit that in all honesty Christmas just freaks me out. I'm lucky enough not to have lost anyone immediately close to me so there's no rational, sentimental reason behind my attitude... I just don't really like it. It makes me feel weird.

Maybe it's the month-long build up that abruptly ceases to exist once those fleeting 24 hours of Christmas Day are over, or perhaps it's something to do with the unavoidable disappointment that surrounds New Years Eve. Since it stopped being a novelty for me to stay up past midnight, NYE continues to be overrated and deflating in equal measures. (But then maybe that's just my fault for never making any good plans.)

Another mild cause for concern that resurfaces in December.. while I continue to peruse the pet aisle of tesco wondering which kitty advent calendar will please my cat the most, my mind can't help but flit to the fact that a lot of my friends are now married with kids to buy for, while I'm still.. well.. yeah, you can find me looking at festive cat treats. I know how ridiculous that is but I always find Christmas has a way of making me feel like I'm somewhat 'falling behind' in this big old race we call life. It's safe to say I always become a little more Bridget Jones this time of year, not helped by the fact that I have a weird track record of becoming single around this dreaded month (seriously just break up with me in October or November for a change, give a gal a goddamn break!).

It's hard not to feel like you're on the outside looking in when everyone around you seems full of the magic and joy of the Christmas spirit while you don't really feel much at all. It's sort of like when there was that blue/gold dress internet sensation and all your mates were saying it was blue but you could only see gold. Okay that's probably a terrible analogy but let's go with it. And that's not to say that I didn't used to feel the magic of Christmas. When I was a kid, I absolutely LOVED it. But with every year that I've not received my annual 'you've been so good this year' letter from Santa, my enthusiasm has continued to diminish and as an adult I just feel kind of weird and confused about what to do with myself on Christmas Day. 

I am fully aware of how miserable and bitter this post probably comes across but I wanted to share it anyway on the off chance that there is anyone else who feels like I do. I also want to clarify that I don't hate Christmas, I'm just kind of indifferent to it. It's hard to explain, but I think the expectation to be so happy really overwhelms me, and everything is meant to be so perfect. The food, the presents, the party dresses, the cards, anything you can think of, the list goes on... it's just all too much for my little head to handle. So yeah, here ends my anti-festive ramble. What do you think? Do any of you feel similar to me or have I just gone full-blown Scrooge? Let me know!

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Sunday, 7 October 2018

Living the instasham

Instagram. Ugh. The love hate relationship to END all love hate relationships. Too much? Nah I don’t think so. Let me just get started with a screenshot of something I tweeted the other week..

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or you don’t waste your time on social media like the rest of us sad acts, you’ll probably have seen that Instagram has been getting a lot of flak lately. Why? Well, if it’s not shit engagement then followers are dropping, and if it’s not followers dropping it’s countless comments about being an ambassador for a sunglasses company (where do I sign up!?). 

And that’s without even touching on the fake as fuck environment that has swallowed up such a vast proportion of our lives. Looking at posed photos, posing for photos, knowing it’s all fake but feeling the need to join in anyway. Reading posts about how Instagram is a sham and feeling inspired so posing for a selfie to write another caption to inspire others about the sham life we all needn’t be living. The endless cycle of calling bullshit on the world that is Instagram while continuing to live it with everyone else. Knowing it’s not good for you but not really being able to stop.. Sounds pretty similar to an addiction don’t ya think?

Using myself as an example, I will spend HOURS scrolling through Instagram to end up feeling just as squishy and chubby as I knew I would, and then worse than that start resenting girls who have perfectly tiny waists and toned abs when I don’t even know them at all! Then I feel guilty for being so horrible and thinking negatively about this stranger on the internet and just end up kind of wallowing in this waaaa I’m just not good enough pit of weirdness. 

BUT it doesn't stop there. We haven't even touched on the burning fire within that goes by the name of validation. You know in Finding Nemo when all those seagulls are going MINE, MINE over and over again? I imagine that Instagram is just a sea of faces going VALIDATE ME, VALIDATE ME, VALIDATE ME! But guess what? We all fucking do it! You telling me you’ve never deleted a picture because it didn’t have ‘enough’ likes? I actually get embarrassed if I don’t have many likes on my picture – genuine real life embarrassment based on how many likes a photo gets. How bad is that?!!

And that’s what I meant with my tweet. It does feel like a game, a game that we all know we’re trapped in but are all too scared to leave – me included! Because what happens if we leave? Will people start forgetting that we exist? What is life without our online persona that we have grown to love and in turn grown to hate? What will we be missing out on? WHAT WOULD IT FEEL LIKE TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK AGAIN. Ok you get the idea. But seriously, I’m just a big ol’ hypocrite as much as the next person because I haven't done it yet either. 

Another thing I wanted to touch on – especially if my manager is reading because I really want to keep my job lol hiya – is that social media for work/business purpose is a totally different ball game. While my blogging profile is diminishing the profile I run for work is absolutely thriving - better than it ever has done before. The images work, we get real followers, the interaction is great and it couldn’t be going better. So why is it different with our own profiles? Are we more critical when our ‘brand’ is not a product but is actually ourselves? Our own faces? Our own style? Our bodies? I think so. And it's hard to stand out because every one else in the world is busy posting their face/style/body hoping to get noticed too. At work I post images of sexy loudspeakers and people love them because they’re different and they’re something people haven’t seen before. Maybe that’s the key, maybe people are bored of selfies now. I know I am. I’ve started using Twitter so much more again because I love having an actual conversation and writing a thought down without having to attach it to a lame duckpout picture of my face. Maybe it’s just that authenticity people want back. Maybe we all wanna start talking to each other again and put the editing apps down for a while?

To conclude this rambling, I unsurprisingly don’t have a solution, and I am unsurprisingly still on Instagram. BUT I check it less and post way less than before and it’s just not taking up as much room in my brain anymore. God it feels good. Like it’s there when I want it but if I have nothing to post in a few days then so be it, I‘m not fannying around desperately trying to find filler content anymore because let's face it who actually fucking cares whether I post or not anyway? It was most likely only ever me. Yeah I’ll still use it but I’ll post when I want to post and if I get no likes then I’ll get a grip and realise I need to stop judging my life on how many flipping LIKES a post on a social network gets.. cuz let’s be real, likes mean NOTHING anyway, they are intangible and they shouldn’t even be a second thought in our minds.

OK wow lol I’mma stop writing now because I haven’t checked Instagram in at least 5 mins and my left eye is starting to twitch. But seriously, thank you if you got this far and PLEASE get in touch to tell me your thoughts.

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