Sunday 22 December 2019

Well, this is awkward

Ok so wow, I haven’t posted on here since... January. Yep, nearly a year. Yikes. I’m not gonna apologise for my absence and pretend my ‘readers’ have all been waiting with baited breath for this blog post to finally come along (the comeback is always bigger than the set back yo), but bloody hell it really has been a long time and I’m not even sure where to start. Having a quick glance back at my previous post I’ve achieved basically none of my goals... apart from still being single. SUCCESS.

So much has changed that I’m kinda unsure what to focus on, but also I feel like I’m craving this therapeutic release by writing my inner monologue down so here we are. I think I’ll start with dating life cuz that’s all anyone talks about anyway right? 

Being completely candid, since moving to London I have dated a lot. Breakups always hit me hard because I tend to put my all in people, and when things end I have this horrible habit of instantly looking for my next victim to make me believe in love and romance again. My first few dates back in December of last year were horrendous, like SO bad. I’d get stupidly drunk, make an absolute tit out of myself and generally end up scaring people off with my sheer intensity/insanity. To be honest I wasn’t massively bothered because it was all still fresh and confusing and I didn’t really know what to do on a first date cuz I was still in relationship mindset and it was destined for failure.

Once this phase was over I got more confident in myself and started to date like a normal single person again. I met a few cool people but nothing stuck and I started to get a bit addicted to the whimsicality of it all. Having been in long term relationships since the age of 15, suddenly I had no ties and was being taken out on multiple nights in the week by cool attractive guys who would take me to incredible cocktail bars or casinos. It was fun but that’s all it was, and the novelty wears off eventually.

I've also been on my share of bizarre dates which are too funny and disturbing not to document. I don't know how I feel about basically airing my dirty laundry on a public forum like this, I mean it's completely unnecessary but also some of these stories are kinda hilarious. Anytime I relay one of my disastrous dates to my friends and mention the possibility of writing about it they're like yep solid blog content. So here we go. I think the best way to describe them is in succinct bullet point format: 


- Nipple cripple Nick  – I was on a first date with this one guy and I told him it felt more like a friendly vibe cuz we weren’t really flirting that much and I always think it's best to be up front and honest. In response he nipple crippled me in the pub then went for a wee and just never came back. I texted him like you've left haven't you? He said he had to go to work... at 10 at night lol.

- Tracksuit lover – I was dating a guy and had seen him maybe 3 times (he told me he loved me on our first date and it only got more intense from then) when I got a delivery from him which was a tracksuit addressed to me... but with his last name as my last name, like as if we were married. To be fair it was a decent tracksuit and I carried on seeing him until it turned out he was racist. What can I say, tracksuit lover was just full of surprises. 

- Maybe he's born with it... - Yeah so this was a nightmare of an evening. I didn't even wanna go on this date cuz I'd been out the night before and felt super rough. BUT I hate being rude so I went anyway and just warned him that I was kinda tired and only wanted one or two drinks. I'd matched him on Bumble and all his pics were far away but I didn't think anything of it... til he walks towards me with a face full of foundation. I know that sounds horrible but like he looked absolutely nothing like his pictures and it was so unexpected it just majorly threw me off. Things only got worse. We spent half an hour talking about his past cocaine addiction and then when I said I ought to get off after a couple of drinks he said 'oh do you not fancy me'. Yikes. I didn't know what to say so I was like ah well I guess I can stay for one more. Then he kept talking about my boobs and I defo wanted to leave cuz I didn't fancy him one bit, but he just was not picking up on the fact I didn't wanna be there. In this moment I did something I've never done before and hope to never do again: I looked him in the eye with a face full of fear and said 'OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF' then left the pub and ran all the way back to the tube. Hopefully such departure would be enough to put someone off for good... right? Wrong. He text me the next day saying 'shame we didn't hook up last night'. There really are no words. 

- The name's Mark... Primark - So I had a really cool date with this model who seemed super nice and things went surprisingly well.. had I finally found a normal? Of course not, don't be bloody stupid. He asked me if I wanted to see him again before he left to go back to his and I was like yeah sounds good. Obviously he then dropped off the face of the world entirely. Sure, fine, this kinda thing I am very well accustomed to because frankly, people are lying pricks. What I'm NOT accustomed to however is walking past a fucking life size ad of him when I pass Primark to get to work every damn day. Would it be completely inappropriate of me to sharpie out some teeth and draw on a questionable moustache next time I pass him? Asking for... well, me. 

- The worst person in the whole entire world? - This was actually one of the first people I dated after I was single and I had even less game than I do now and implicitly trusted everything anyone said to me. MORON. So I'd stayed over at this guy's house and he was being super sweet and even said he wanted to go and see a west end show with me which I thought was lovely as heck and obviously lapped up like a thirsty kitten with a bowl of milk. He walked me back to the tube and hugged and kissed me goodbye... ahh, so cute. I wasn't even living in London at this point so I got on my train home a King's Cross, went on whatsapp to message my best friend about this 'successful' date... only to realise that within those 10 minutes he had BLOCKED ME. Yep, he literally kissed me goodbye and then blocked me off everything for no reason at all. It was this moment that I realised the dating game had really changed and I better fucking buckle up for a bumpy ride.

Soooo there ya go. A little insight into some of the weird and not-so-wonderful stories from my dating life this year. Here's to 2020 bringing many more funny anecdotes but hopefully less first date nipple cripples. I've got my fingers crossed. Have you got any equally scarring date stories to share? Comment or message me them on insta plz! 

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1 comment

  1. Ah I loved reading this! Such a rollercoaster - dating is always weird, but leaves you with hilarious stories so it's kind of worth it haha! xxx